Promises, promises

I am sitting in my office, about to head home, it's midnight and I work 9-5. But today, because work is getting busy and people are on vacation, I needed to put in extra time.

I promised last semester that I wouldn't get into this habit again, but here I am.
I did take a break today from 5-8pm for food and taekwondo (so much fun, he had us doing fun relays and games) so that is part of the promise I made myself - to not miss out on the good stuff, the important stuff for work.

So it is a half-kept promise and I'm working on it.
Also working on getting through the ups and downs. The last few weeks have connecting with friends and family and enjoying the bike rides, bellydance, beach and different work projects.  And then Monday was a blah day, so was Tuesday and yesterday - I had a time shaking the feeling that something wasn't right.  So I gave myself a little peptalk - said this would pass and it did.

So while I'd rather not be sitting here - it's ok, and I'm heading home now.

The jeans are on...

After a vacation/volunteer stint at an organic farm in the caribbean I am tanned and feeling fit. So I thought - why not try on "the" jeans and boom!  There they are.  I can walk, stand and sit in them.  They are a little tighter than I'd like and probably couldn't eat in them but I'll get there. 

This is a couple of weeks past my deadline but who cares, not I and not you - you all have been most supportive. 

A year goes past and the tree grows another ring

So it's my birthday - I like birthdays, but prefer low key gatherings of friends and family and this weekend did the same. Just with more family and less friends than usual (after 8 months in town I'm still building my circle here)

A year ago I was packing to move half-way across the country. Between work and classes and goodbyes I'd put it off until the final days. Even though I knew it was the right move it was still a big deal to leave the city I'd lived in (but never really called “home”) for 6 years. That day I had friends stop by and help out a bit, pick up plants and books and such that I wouldn't be shipping. A good friend, RW, stopped by with sandwiches from one of our favourite neighbourhood delis. And another, NJ, drove two hours to totally throw my packing in disarray and take me out. We'd dated years before but after a break-up realized and agreed the only future we'd have together was through friendship. He drove us to the bank (so he could transfer some stocks to me as a going away present – he thinks everyone should make solid financial plans) and we went to dinner and a movie. We saw “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader” in 3D. We both started tearing up on the drive back to my place and then our hug lasted for minutes – I didn't want to let him go but I also knew this was just a geographic separation and we'd had other goodbyes, sad (break-up) or fearful (his military deployment).

A year ago I was so excited and eager to carry out my plans, follow some dreams. I'd resigned from my job and was going to travel and volunteer for a while, shake out the cobwebs and refresh my mind and spirit. And then I was to go back to university with the hope that by the time I was finished my master's I'd be able to find work in the East Coast area. Though I never thought I'd end up back in my hometown, I thought it too small, too rural. But then ...things happened, opportunities came up, I made some of my “luck”, shifted priorities, reevaluated my strengths and skills and what makes me happy.

When I look back at all that happened this year...I'm amazed. I lived in another country, learned the basics of another language, travelled to new places, got really strong and healthy, found a dream job, fell in love, considered becoming an illegal alien (but didn't), left grad school, experienced heartache, more moves, found another dream job, moved back in with my parents, lived out of suitcases and boxes for many months. Ha! So much for my horoscope that had said this would be a year “of preparation, chance, and refinement. It is not a time of dramatic changes.” Whahahahahaha

On this blog http://countdowntooz.tumblr.com/ I saw a post from this blog http://supermanns.tumblr.com/post/14140500038/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself with this quote “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” (Maria Robinson) 

Wow eh?

It struck me as particularly apt at my birthday and as the calendar is set to change over. Change doesn't stick to a calendar or run on a schedule so we don't have to wait to make the changes to get the life we want (or keep and enjoy the one we have)

Looking forward to what 32 has in store for me. 

ps. this post's title is from a song called "A year goes past" from the Needfire: A Celtic Celebration CD

And then came the tears

Wow – I am just through a really busy week at work – with many highlights and no real lowlights  – the public concert/ entertainment night was excellent – it rocked.  Things looked great, ran smoothly (for the most part)  and even though I forgot to decorate the Xmas tree – some people thought it was deliberate and appropriate (it was a beautiful tree).  The evening had such great energy, I had two ladies come up to me and say they hadn’t had been to a party like that in years.

The banquet the next day was also a success – the food was great (arugala salad, salmon with spicy spinach or stuffed Portobello mushrooms and local apple cheesecake tart) , the banquet servers did well and with a bunch of inspirational speakers and one who challenged the audience to match donations and we somehow started a fundraising effort and suddenly we’re up to $5000 for a student scholarship.  (that is still knocking my socks off)

So a good night, but it could have been “tighter”,  I was not as organized, candles, music were forgotten, VIP guests showed up late (delaying the whole thing) , I was just too zapped from the night/week before to put in my full effort.  

And then the goodbyes – I was fine, giving hugs, wishing good travels and then one gal gave me a hug and I started crying. Completely burst into tears! And then she did. The tears were running down my face, dripping off my cheeks, or following the smile lines to my lips – I tasted the salt.  I couldn’t stop – the others around us didn’t know what to do, I was shocked – I didn’t expect it.  I’m not one to cry at goodbyes, I stay in touch with friends far away and I’m still naïve enough to think I’ll always see people again (no matter how far) so I am not usually affected by goodbyes.  I think this was more a stress reliever than anything. 

And eventually they stopped and I felt better, the pressure was decreased, the tightness in my shoulders and neck loosened.  And then we got a picture together “two watering cans” and off she went and I continued on with the clean-up and tear down of the event.   

So all in all a good weekend.  I met my parents went for a walk along the harbor on Sunday, gathered some branches and assorted flora for a decorative planter, then helped them wash some windows and then I went home and slept.  I took yesterday off and did more of the same (putter, walk, sleep).  I still feel a little drained, a little-unfocussed but feel so good to have it behind me, and I’ve gotten lots of congrats from my team since.

I'm looking towards finding a little more balance in the coming weeks and months.  How do people work whole-heartedly and have other commitments like a dependant family, school or volunteer commitments? I’ve seen it but I can’t picture how I’d do both (and more). To those of you who do – way to go! 

$40 undies and a rather mixed day

So under my jeans today, I am wearing $40 drawers (underwear), well I bought them on sale $4.99. But as they are expensive fancy I wondered what exciting things might happen today. I am also wearing bright turquoise socks which I think of as "special day" socks so the chances were doubled.

Today work was a little hectic as we face an audit/project evaluation next week, so there was a lot of spreadsheets and indexing files to make sure the info is all there.

At lunch an attempt to send a message to my brother over "bookface" resulted in the auto-filler bringing up a past love, though we're no longer "friends", our on site connections and correspondence were once numerous.  The brief sight of his profile pic with a gal and I felt red my face go red and and a heavy pit formed in my stomach.  I took a couple of breaths, watched a youtube video of puppies playing and shook it off.

Besides I had parade practice - yes parade practice.  So I marshaled the crew up and down the hallway with our banners singing Jingle Bells now we have our banners, our sign, our flags and I bought candy to hand out to the kids.  

A note about small town parades...if you haven't seen one - they are not particularly polished.  Some entries are actual floats but there are also a lot of vintage cars and pick-up trucks with trees and lights in the back, or  groups of kids walking their dogs with Santa hats on and people on horses and lots of emerg vehicles with sirens - honking, whirrrring, beeping away.  Last year someone brought a goat and walked it along.

Tonight as I was out buying the candy - I ran into guy, K, I had a crush on when I was in highschool.  Back in the day I was pretty shy (still can be) and he's four years older than me so even though we lived in the same neighbourhood and our families were friends I mostly just smiled and blushed at him.  Forward 5 years ahead and I'm away at university, he's in the same city working and I see him at church one day.  After the service we talk for a while, trade "how's the family" stories and talk about where we've been the last few years. I'm less shy, we're more equals and he comments that I've grown up and we make plans to get together with some friends of his and watch a big hockey game together later that week.  I hum and skip my back to my dorm.

On the day of the game about an hour before I was to call him to give him directions to pick me up, I learn that there's been an accident and a friend of mine has died and I'm too upset to call K and even explain and also I didn't want to bum him out with the sad news.  So I don't do anything.  From his perspective - I stood him up.  I don't see him again for weeks and when I do he seems a little shyer, a little cooler, he's on his way before I can explain what happened.

So now years after that - I've seen K a couple of times since and I always felt embarrassed how it had played out. (letting go of past foibles not one of my strong points) Heard from his mum he's married and is a dad now. I don't imagine he has any remembrance of the exchange or event that I described above (or really that it registered with him to the extent that it did with me).  When I meet him tonight he's out with his son and we chat a bit and he said it was nice I'd come home after many years away and traded small talk.  As I was leaving he said, we'll see you around more now that you're home.  And I hope so - a new/old friend is always welcome.  And tonight for the first times, I didn't feel the urge to explain or be embarrassed...it was more where we're at now and that felt really good.  I guess I'm not completely able to forget things as I just wrote it all down here but I know I am getting better at being present in the present.

So I guess the socks/undies were special

The After/Before photo

This is me, I guess this is the "after" picture to correspond with yesterday's "before" but I'm looking/working towards it being a "before" picture.  It's an alright starting point - that outfit is one of my faves, but what's hidden is that the jeans were too tight to do up the top button. That's why I want to make a change. Just to get back to "me".  I'm not trying to change myself drastically, just enough to reclaim some good habits I had and ease back into my clothes.  

August 2011

Today's post is brought to you by Billy Joel

Day's highlights:
40 mins walking 
Awesome lunch (see stir-fry below) and dinner (veg. soup) 

Tentative plans to run with some colleagues, which I hope to firm up. That'll keep me motivated. 

A supportive phone call from a project partner about a cumbersome situation.