Need oxygen not water...but thank you

Well - long story short, I didn't yak but there were several moments I wanted to lay down and just be still.

I got changed and hung off to the side, one shy-looking gal (15?) came up to me and asked if I was trying out the class. I was not the oldest, they were mostly teens but a few I'd estimate around my age and one grandmother who is almost a black belt - yay for her!.

 A little side bar - I haven't done TKD for years, not since my coach (and friend) died in an accident. He was a phenominal instructor and made the club feel like a team, which isn't easy to do with in individual sport where you sometimes compete against each other.  I was nervous standing there for the introduction and telling my old club as it had a very high reputation and I felt a little added pressure (self-inflicted).

We started with jogging then lunge walks, hops, kicks and burpees. I have trouble pacing myself...I don't know how to modulate to a 70% effort and my brain thinks I'm still in shape though it's been a decade since I last did this stuff or a year since I did any kind of high intensity exercise. So I did what the rest of the class was doing, until I had to catch my breath and stop the spins. The instructor came up and suggested I take a break and get some water...but it was something more than that - I had trouble getting all the air in I needed. I felt so hot, like lay in the snow kind of hot.  I went to the bathroom twice to put water on my wrists and neck and to hold off the dry heaves. It was pretty rough feeling.  

On my second trip to the bathroom I thought...this is it - this stinks, I hate feeling this way. Why would I do this? I'm not coming back, the club isn't as good as my old one, they are mostly meathead teen boys here to hit things and each other hard, some of the higher belts have pretty sloppy form, no one knows Korean (my other club was big on using Korean terms and traditions), I just don't wanna do it.

I decided to finish the class (pride) and then I'd just not come back.  By then the higher intensity stuff was mostly over, so I could finish up with them and it was ok, other members came up after we finished and told me how hard their first times were and were so nice and encouraging and all “see you Wedenseday?” that somehow I found myself saying yep - see you then. 

So I’m going back…I get a little shiver thinking of it but I just have to “pull up my big girl panties and suck it up” and not let the little things throw me off.  And I can't go back to my old club, and I have to stop trying to go back in time, to hold on to something that's over (says she of the blog titled specifically trying to do just that). And not just because that time has past but because I miss out on so much that's in front of me because I'm looking back.

So on to tomorrow!

And I’ll be better prepared

• Eat at least 2 hours before to give it time to settle
• More water during the day
• Wear something the breaths
• Do only 2/3 the rep of the class
• Concentrate on form not velocity in kicks

Hopes for "steel"...nerves and buns that is

It's an hour and half to my first TKD class, I missed last week due to a work event and a weather cancellation.   I'm nervous - but as I said before "Fear factor", I'm not going to let it keep me from things any more.  So this is the start.

I need a phyical outlet...the nighttime teeth grinding is back, my neck and shoulders are tight but that's about it on my body.  The belly dance classes are helping, but it's a different type and only once a week.  I need to get a good sweat on.

I hope I'm not the oldest (the club used to be based on campus), I hope I can keep up somewhat or at least bow out before I collapse or dry heave, I hope I don't pull something. I hope I make a friend (over the coming weeks).  And I hope to slide those Mavi jeans over buns (mine) of steel by April.

Moments

There's a moment when:

• you realize a once significant date is unremarkable 
• you bypass a chocolate/sweet/treat because you never were a fan of them and have broke the habit of sharing a colleague's candy bowl
• you realize you've run longer or farther than you ever had before 
• the sight of someone's name raises little or no negative emotion or jaw clench or muscle tension
• a walking route becomes a favourite because it has a hill that you enjoy cresting
• a recipe that had turned out ho-hum before finally worked (probably because I followed it)
• (your own)

those and so many others are the moments when I remember I'm through/over/past "it", that I'm stronger than I had myself thinking, that time does help and that attitude does more.  And what I try to remind myself when I'm not quite there, because I will get there.

The more the merrier

I’ve been naval-gazing lately and thinking about what has “worked” for me in the past in terms of health and fitness.  And also what hasn’t worked. 

I’ve enjoyed and got the most from exercise when it was through a team sport or group classes (ultimate frisbee, running room, TKD clubl).  And not as much by going to a gym or running on my own. I don't seem to stick with it or put the same effort in.  And as I'm also trying to improve my social life I'm on the hunt for another class/club to add to the belly dance. 

The choices are slim in a small town (besides yoga and hockey) but I'm going to check out a taekwondo club on Monday. They look good on the website; organized and with legit credentials. I’m looking forward to it, if a little nervous… it’s been 10 years since I took a class. And I'm out of shape. But, but...I've got to stop letting "being out of shape" keep me from doing things that will "get me in shape". 

And I've already decided I'll just say at the start that I won't be sparring. I was always more a fan of the pad kicking and the forms, the fighting - meh. I wasn't very good at it either.  

I can still count to 10 in Korean and give the important yell - which kind of ends up sounding like “Ah-soo” or an accented a**hole.  So really - I’m all set. 

some belly luv

I’ve had two excellent belly dance classes so far. 

It’s a mixed group age and shape and skill wise as it’s a blend of beginner and beginners once or twice removed. We stretch and prance and shimmy and sometimes sashay around with large scarves. I like the group, the music, the fact that I feel the burn in my abs (all of them) and arms. It’s also a new way of moving for me, isolating muscles and movements. I had never previously thought about flexing just one butt cheek…but now it’s something I practice so my hip thrust has the right oomph. 

Most of the time I feel less like Shakira and more like someone using one of those vibrating belt exercise machines - remember those?  But I trust the fluidity will come, it’s only been two classes and I’m not a fast learner… I have to practice a lot to get it right and then it’ll stick.

The run, er jog, er scamper

Whenever I am getting back into running - I tell myself I just have to go for 5, 7 or 10 minutes and then I can turn around and even walk back if I want. And of course I usually don’t so that way I get in my 10-20 minute run. And after I do that a few times I’m back into it and adding time or speed.  

The day after the last post I went out and lasted 12 minutes and only half of that was jogging. It was weird going out, things didn't feel comfortable, I went out too fast and didn't really settle into a groove before I decided to turn around.  The air was so cold my lungs were hurting (yes I wussed out). On the way home there was a moment on a small incline where I felt things tighten and it was like the physical sensation of when car's automatic transmission changes gears and you feel that engagement into the higher gear. And it felt great. 

But I need to get back out there (and before April) So the solution is something like this - I didn’t think I’d need it once I left frigid Ottawa but I was wrong.  Looking forward to first run (retry).  To be the buffalo, I must dress like one! 

The fear factor

At various times in the recent past I've put off exercising.  I've told myself that I've been held back by work schedules, weather, money but the real reason has been fear.

Fear that what was once a fun challenge will be hard, that I'll struggle with even a short run, that my strength reps will be low, that I'll pull something, that I'll be gasping for air. I've held back because I know that for a while I won't be able to do the same speed or distance and I've been afraid of feeling of less.  

Professionally, personally and physically (concussions) I've had a tumultuous two years and so I've wanted to coast, take it easy.  Because I wasn't sure I could keep all the balls in the air and the fear of not succeeding froze me.  

However, like so many other things I've been afraid of it's seldom as awful as I think it'll be. And regardless it's better to just face it and get started and get through it.

Ever hear the legend of the buffalo?  As told to Donna Brazile...when storms hit and other animals run from them...buffalos charge at them and get through the storm faster.

So that's what I'm going to do...put on the sneakers and go for a run, the first of many.